Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm at about main and main street
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
