Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
do nipples grow back?
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