The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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