I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Vodka?
Forever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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