I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
