I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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