Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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