I heard we made out
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
