If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
