My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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