I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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