No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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