I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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