apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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