singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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