Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
