You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
