Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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