She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
