I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
