i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
