Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
