What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
