umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
