I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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