I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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