it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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