so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
