Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I could fuck to npr.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
