she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
