I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
