turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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