You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
