chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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