she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
