She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
