I just threw up on my dentist
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
