I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
