Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
