i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
