It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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