Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You know, be my cock's hype man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
