His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
