drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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