i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
