The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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