You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
