First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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