I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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