Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's like iHOP with fire
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
