You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize