I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm passing your future prison.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
