She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
