Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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