i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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