Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
