Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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