if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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