Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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