I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize