drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
