If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
