Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
