I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
