Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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