Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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