What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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