I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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