Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How does it feel to date your dad?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
