somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
