i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
