Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
