It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
